Being Happy in Relationship is a Choice

In life, no one owes you happiness and the good life.  A whole lot of people over time have surrendered their happiness and joy to things, people and situations.  That is the worst mistakes you can make in your life.  When your emotional well being is hinged on what happens around you, the things people do to you or don’t and the turn of events and situations, you will always have a merry-go-round in your life.

Happiness and emotional stability should ideally be your personal choice.  You have to choose to be happy and joyful no matter what situation you find yourself.  Life lived on the basis of feelings which is based on external factors has never been reported well of.  Depression, frustration and disappointments are the direct results of co-dependency.

Many people have made decisions about relationship and marriage just on the basis of how they feel or how the other person makes them feel at a certain point or another.  A person who is not self-motivated and has no iota of happy attitude in him goes out to marry someone on the count of that person making him a happy person will end up disappointed.  A lady who is not aware that happiness is at first a state of mind than about what others do to her, goes on to marry a man and believes that this man will bring happiness to her has gone on a wild goose chase.

Happiness is a choice; you must make the choice to be happy everyday.  Your marriage or relationship partner can enhance your happiness, but if you have no single dose of that attitude of self-joy and happiness, that partner has nothing to do to fill you up.  He or she can only add to what you already have; if you have nothing, whatever they bring to the table won’t be enough.  Don’t forget that the same partner is also looking to you to add to whatever he or she has got.  Can you then imagine when you both come to the relationship and marriage space with empty-happiness lives each expecting the other to fill the hollowness inside of them?  Herein lies the frustration caused by unrealistic expectations which leads to break-ups and eventual heartbreaks.

Here is my counsel.  Develop a healthy self-image of yourself based on a basic understanding of who you are and how special and unique you are.  You must learn to accept yourself and know that you can choose to make yourself happy by the knowledge of the fact that you are great all by yourself.  The other idea you must not forget to accept is the fact that God who created you, made you complete and whole; you don’t need external circumstances to make you joyful.  Your joy should be God-inspired knowing that you are sufficient enough to bring joy to others around you.  When you live like this, external activities and persons only add to what you already have and you won’t have any expectation of people outside the realistic realm.  Therefore, when people go out of their way to make you happy, it is a plus; if they don’t you are still fine.

 

How To Be Married in 100 Days!

You are probably scratching your head over the above subject matter.  How can someone be married in 100 days?  That is three months and a few days… Yes! You can be married in 100 days after you meet and come to terms with who that person is.  Let me disabuse your mind from the onset that I am not advocating that if you have nobody as a proposed partner today, once you read this blog post, you will find one and marry him or her in 100 days.  Not so at all. It is about you and your partner with whom you have agreed to start a family making up your mind to be married 100 days after a proposal has been made and accepted.

1. 

Why People Spend So Much Time In Relationships & Courtship

The typical couple in Africa, especially in my country Nigeria, spends between 6 months to 1 year in a relationship after they have agreed to be married before they do.  Some others are in it for two to three years.  I know a few couples who dated and were in a relationship for upwards of 8 years.  There are so many reasons why some people spend a long time in relationships before being married.  Some of the reasons are tenable and understandable, while others are simply no-brainers as they do not line up to normal reasoning at all.

Here are a few reasons why relationships takes a long time to crystallize into marriages:

a)  The two persons have agreed they want to marry but they do not have the mental and emotional capacity to go the whole hog yet.  For some, it is the absence of finance in view of the high demands placed on suitors as preconditions for the marriage ceremony being held especially as it relates to native law and custom.  A couple may keep pushing the dates of their marriage forward for a long time on account of these reasons.

b)  Some people, before proposing to a lady or a lady accepting a guy’s proposal, do not count the cost of being married to that person before opening their mouths.  If you understand that once you commit, you should not recant, you will not be flippant with your words.  I dreaded using the words, “I love you” for a long time because I understand what it means and how weighty it is.  If you tell someone you love him or her and few months down the line, you begin to say, “I hate you“, then you didn’t understand what you were saying in the first instance.  Therefore, most folks abide long in the relationship realms just to test and confirm that their conviction is rock solid before they proceed to the next level.  Some other folks never cross this stage as they eventually get to a breaking point and part ways.

c)  There is a tendency for people around you to think that having met someone for just two to three months, you shouldn’t be in a rush to marry them because you have not finished knowing him or her.  Let me be very frank with you at this point:  You can never finish knowing anyone; only God has that prerogative.  However there is a point of sincerity two persons can come to and they can proceed to marry knowing that the character traits of that individual does not send the wrong signal of that person being fake.

We can go on with several reasons why we believe a relationship should take a longer time before it is consummated in marriage.  I have also held that belief for years until a recent experience made me swallow my pride and to admit that if you know your partner to some extent (and that can happen in 60 days and a little more), then you can marry that person within 100 days of your being in agreement.

Here are a few tips on how you can achieve that:

1.  Once you and your partner have come to terms with the fact that you two are meant for each other and there is no more doubt about one another, why wait for another year or two?  Except of course you two are living apart in different cities and you are still trying to figure out why you cannot possibly start a family in that condition.  Upon agreement, you must both determine what your big deals are and have serious talking points about them.  You can do this over a period of one year; picking one issue per day and discussing them.  Most people do not have the habit of exhaustively discussing core issues and they leave it to chance until the “elephant in the room” becomes too big to handle.
2. Once agreed on core issues such as faith, children, money and sex, then you must proceed to get your parents or relatives involved.  Be careful not to talk to friends and people who do not have a stake in your life.  They do not have so much responsibilities in your life and surrendering your critical decision making process to conjecture, suggestions and their opinions will open you up to a lot of painful experiences.  You should be communicating your DECISIONS to people who are without much stakes in your life instead.
3. Have a small budget for your wedding ceremonies.  In Africa, we have so many ceremonies for our marriages.  We can get our families to help us tone down the hype and insist on small “crowds” which will make you avoid so many expenditures.  If you have just 15 to 20 people to entertain at the traditional marriage besides the bride price, the budget would be small.  Don’t talk to me about “white weddings”.  You can have a pastor or a priest pray for to join you at the traditional ceremony and you are married.  Do you want to make a small show?  Invite your friends to a small reception within town a day after or some weeks later to declare to them that you two are married.

It is very easy to marry in 100 days after knowing who the person is if we take heed to the above suggestions and submissions.  I know this will elicit a lot of questions and discussions; let us have your say!

Don’t Do Guess-Work with Marriage

On a consistent basis, the divorce rate in Nigeria and many parts of Africa is gradually competing with the statistics in the Western World.  This is a troubling trend which must be arrested.  However, all the talk about dealing with the challenges in marriages comes down to the decisions individuals who are getting married make upon their desire to enter the realm.

Many marriages crash not because the couples are bad people as individuals; these crashes take place because they do not come to the place of personal conviction that what they are going into is what they truly want and desire for the rest of their lives.  You cannot marry someone just on the basis of guess-work!  You have to be 100% sure that he or she is the one you like, love and desire in your inner man based on your personal wiring for living.

Marriage, standing alone, is never a solution to loneliness and the many challenges individuals face.  Marriage cannot solve your happiness challenge if you are not happy as a person.  Marriage cannot solve your sexual incontinence if you are not personally self-controlled.  It will interest you to know that marriage actually magnifies everything you are.  If you are someone with your tempers on your sleeves and get angry in a flash, getting married will bring out the worst of that challenge in you.  If you are naturally a good person with patience as your strongest virtue, when you marry, it will be proven and tested and confirmed that you are indeed patient.

The best way to avoid marrying using guess-work is to be sure of who you are on the inside of you first and then determine the direction of your life as a whole.  That understanding will enable you to know who can be part of your life and who cannot be.  Once you can determine your purpose and focus in life, you will naturally be drawn to the man or woman who can complement you to accomplish that objective.  That is far from guessing.

The vast majority of people do not know who they are, much less understand someone else in a marriage situation.  If you have not dealt with your personal issues as relating to your destination for living and purpose, it would be highly advisable not to marry because you will be compounding the problem of the other person.  You will end up blaming your partner for all the issues that will start to emanate from getting married.

In my next blog, I will highly in more details the specific steps you need to take to avoid getting married without a clear conviction.

Why Did You Get Married?

I have had to ask this question of someone recently when I realized marriage meant nothing to him.  There are a lot of people today who are married and have no idea why they got hooked up to their partners.  The rate of challenges and troubles in marriages today is a direct reflection of the foundations they laid or even the lack of it at the beginning.

In many homes today, abuses are rampant.  I am not talking about the husband abusing the wife physically; I am discussing situations where both parties abuse themselves physically, verbally and emotionally without regards to the emotional trauma they are creating for their children (in cases where they already have children).  If only people can think through their desires for getting married to someone at the onset, they will live better lives together.

Marriage is an institution wherein you are to find joy, strength, shared values, emotional and physical compatibility and growth.  It should be a harbinger of sorts; a refuge and a fortress in the times of troubles.  If you cannot find rest in your home or marriage, where else should you go?  One of the reasons people are dying early in most instances is because they are in wrong marriages.  I read somewhere some days ago, and it was a famous man who was quoted: “If you want to live long, marry a good wife”.  This, I believe applies to a woman too!

What is the essence of getting married to someone you know you cannot tolerate?  You should know from the beginning what you can take and what you can’t.  Someone said, “love makes you do stupid things”.  I disagree!  Stupidity makes you do stupid things.  Love is a great thing; we must not get it twisted.  What we call love in the above context is actually infatuation – a situation where you are driven by mere feelings without involving your head.  Love is not blind; it is not unreasonable but is logical and thinks things through.  Yes, its forgiving and forbearing but it is definitely not stupid.

For all its worth, marry someone you can live with and tolerate and forgive.  Work on yourself to a level of maturity emotionally before you bring someone into your life.  Don’t complicate another person’s life when you have not sorted out the issues you are unable to deal with in your own life by marrying.  Marriage can’t fix your attitude problems; you have to fix that so you can bring something to the table for your partner.   Not understanding that marriage is a place of contribution to the other person’s life and not a place where you come to “take” is the bane of many homes.

What is the challenge you are having in your marriage right now? Stand in front of the mirror and fix the man or the woman in that mirror first.  Blaming your partner for your choice you made in marrying him or her and taking the fight to them will not solve your inner issues you need to fix.  Marriage can be a blissful experience; make yours one.

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Playing the Ostrich with Sex

The subject of sex has been with us for as long as human being have been on earth.  We all know that the wrong use of sex has created more problems for humanity than any other causes of life’s challenges.  In spite of this overwhelming and glaring truth, we have continued to play hide and seek with the subject by allowing illicit sex to continue to fester on the altar of freedom and modern living.  One institution that should have been in the fore-front of discussing sex and educating the youths on its dangers is the Church; yet it is rarely discussed as it is considered a taboo.

It is important to stress that sex was created by God and for a reason.  It is good and not evil.  Nothing created by God is bad; as a matter of fact, after all of God’s creation, He stepped back and praised Himself by calling it GOOD.  Sex was created for enjoyment, an icing on the cake of marriage and for procreation.  Sex is wrong when it is abused.

SEX ABUSE

When you don’t use drugs as prescribed, it is called “drug abuse”.  When a child is treated wrongly by an adult by trying to steal their innocence, it is called “child-abuse”.  When sex is used for the wrong reasons, it is of course SEX ABUSE.  Therefore, sex outside the confines of marriage is definitely an abuse.  With due respect to modern day advocates for freedom of any kind – sex outside marriage is an abuse.

CURRENT TRENDS

Sex is common-place today and abused because as society advances, we become more SELF-FOCUSED than God and others-focused.  The true meaning of love is now lost and it is replaced with feelings and emotions that must be satisfied here and now.  Hollywood, Nollywood, Bollywood and all the woods puts it in our faces daily.  We describe beautiful ladies as “sexy”; the  dress has to be so and even household items like refrigerators and the like are called “sexy”.  Sex is everywhere we go.  We dress to “kill” because if we don’t have sex appeal, we are considered not to have the right “swag”.   Sex is now on the same pedestal as love – that is how love has been misconstrued.  If you “love” someone, then you must sleep with them.  When you are done lying with them, “love” dies.

DANGERS OF ILLICIT SEX

When you engage in premarital sex, which I called “illicit”, it is a reflection of lack of honour and the absence of respect for your body or the one of your sex partner.  You loss some value every time you have sex outside marriage.  Your personal values are eroded each time non-marriage sex takes place.

Respect for sex itself is lost when you enter marriage with a history of illicit sex.  We must not forget that sex is that activity which consummates marriage itself; if it is devalued before marriage, then marriage losses its real taste.

A man can have think-less, thoughtless and emotionless sex.  A woman gives her all when she engages in sexual intercourse.  That is why women are more broken when a relationship ends especially if the partners have been sexually active.  Between persons heading for marriage, sex between them has a potential to break trust, inadvertently licenses indiscipline and reduces expectations towards the wedding date.

The list of dangers of illicit sex can go on and on.

SEX IS OVER-RATED

People who think sex is “love” get disappointed after series of sex escapades; they feel empty and the lady or guy who means so much begins to look ordinary.  This is why I strongly believe that sex is over-rated.  Let’s look at this from this perspective: the average sex act is 30 minutes – that is being generous.  We have a 24 hour day; if you marry someone on the basis of a thirty minutes activity, what would you be doing with the remaining 23 hours 30 minutes?  Have you figured that out?  Sex wanes with age between couples; at 60 to 70 years, the drive cannot be as high as when they were 25, 30 to 40 years old.  If you do not have any relationship outside of sex as a married couple, what would you be doing at that age when sex isn’t the real deal anymore?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

In our relationship with the opposite sex, we must begin to develop a non-sexual relationship based on clear values.  Let us endeavour to find out who the person we are dating is on the inside.  What is their purpose as aligned with ours?  What is our lives really about and how can we connect with a partner who sees life from the same perspective?  If only we can let sex be the icing on the cake of our relationship, albeit marriage, then life and society will be a lot better.  A relationship or marriage based solely on emotions and sex will always end up in frustration.

 

Marriage As a Gender Issue

In today’s world, we have elevated the issue of gender equality to the front burner in such a way that we have this idea sold and bought that man and woman are one and the same.  I beg to disagree on several grounds and I want to use this blog post to prove why I do so.

A woman is physically different from a man.  I use the Bible as the basis for my arguments here.  If you have issues accepting the Bible as the guide for life, then this post is not for you.  The man was created first.  1 Timothy 2:13 says expressly, “For Adam was formed first, and then Eve.”  God designed that there be two genders in the world, man and woman.  And in His divine wisdom, He created man first.  There was a reason for that.  It was made so in order that man should be the leader.

The direct implication of this is the fact that woman was supposed to derive her purpose from man.  That may sound very direct and too audacious but again, let’s find out what the Bible says.  “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.”  – Genesis 2:18.  The woman was created to help the man.  The direct effect of that is the fact that if there was no man created, there would be no need for man.

The Effect on Marriage

Since the woman was the help the man needs, the divine order for marriage set it in such a way that the man is the head of the woman.  She is expected to submit to the man whom she marries so that the order can work well.  The import of this is simple: the leader leads the way and the follower follows.  If we try to reverse the order, we will be operating outside the order for life as God purposed it to be; the world is today suffering from operating outside the order as set by the Divine.

This assertion is further validated in the scriptures: “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God”  – 1 Corinthians 11:3.   This is repeated in Ephesians 5:23-24, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. ”

What? Is this a Chauvinistic Post?

Not one bit so!  It is meant to outline the importance of the authority hierarchy in the marriage institution which has hitherto been massively bastardized and made to look like an old tradition that must be left in the archives of history.  My key motivation and interest for this post is to get the words out there especially firstly to ladies so they can understand that their place in life is secured in their God-assigned role as man’s key helper – no one else can make a man a real man besides a woman who is his key support.  If she does not understand that role and plays something else, she would be undermining her creative purpose and it would be a serious abuse of her life.

That being said, I will have another day, in my next post to talk to the men on their role in helping the woman achieve and fulfill her God-ordained purpose and dreams.

Marry a Man You Can Submit to

As I bring this discourse to a close, it is important to stress to the ladies that for your marriage to be successful, you need to marry a man you must submit to.  If any man desires you for a wife and you discover that you cannot in good conscience allow him to lead you in any or every way, please stop the process from starting at all.  Marry someone who you believe is capable of being your king and someone you can be a true queen to.

Want a Spouse? Pitch Your Qualities!

The idea of getting a spouse on a platter of gold is actually a mirage.  There are no great spouses on display on life’s shelves.  Young ladies who dream of being swept off their feet in an emotional roller coaster type of love without developing their own wifely qualities only build castles in the air.  When they eventually do get married to someone, as they settle into the life of matrimony, they discover a whole new world of responsibilities they were never prepared for and it ends badly or they end up suffering for life with someone who merely tolerates them because they do not have what it takes to be a real wife.

Most young men who live under the illusion that women are everywhere and that they are seeking any man who would simply say “hey” so they are made wives who ostensibly make them happy men all their lives are constantly disappointed.  These young men, not understanding what being a husband is, believe that they are meant to be served by the women who they marry as wives.  They consider marrying a lady a favour done to the female folk which should be reciprocated by slavish service.

Smarting from these unrealistic expectations from both sides, most marriages end up so broken that even if they continue to co-habit as husband and wife, all joy and desire for each other is drained and are overtaken by grief, pain and regrets.

What really should be the best bet in a bid to get a great husband or wife?  The primary thing is to define what you want and the kind of family life you want to live.  That will help you to identify your kind of man or woman.  Having done that, you must take an inward look at yourself and confirm if you have what it takes for such a man or woman to be called yours.  That is the essence of pitching your qualities to the man or woman you desire.

THE QUALITIES MEN WANT TO SEE

As a lady who desires the right man for her life, the basic qualities that you must pitch – on a general level – is to first of all be someone who has a handle on her own life. If you have identified your place in life and are heading somewhere with your hands busy about it, real men who have similar orientations are easily attracted to you.  Do you have a clear focus on a goal you are in hot pursuit of?  Do you have a force of vision that drives all that you do? Do you know that you are on earth for a specific purpose and are on that journey already?  No man who sees you and has a correct head on his shoulders will ignore you.

Don’t simply sit around waiting for a man to come over and shower you with “love” while you don’t lift your hands to make your life count.  If you find such a man, you would soon be a cast away after your body (which might be what you would have been paying attention to) has been ravished and devoured.  If you have nothing to offer as a lady besides a fine face, a coke-bottle shape of a body and a swaggy cat-walk, then you are not ready to attract a real spouse.

THE QUALITIES WOMEN DESIRE IN MEN

Not all women want to jump into the arms of just any man simply because they have a fat bank account, a well furnished house and the latest brand of car.  Great women are highly principled and have an idea of where they are going.  They will not entertain any man who would just want to have them as a toy in addition to their so-called “accomplishments”.  There are men who want to marry certain classes of women just to boast their egos or enhance their status.  Others marry beautiful and intelligent women for the purpose of “branding”.  This is completely outside the reason why marriage was created.

Purpose driven women want to be with a man who first and foremost care a lot about them.  This is beyond the care of getting them gifts and buying them whatever they desire – as important as that is.  This care is all-encompassing – they want a man who wants them to be the best that they can be in life and in whatever vocation they are engaged in.  Great women seek great men who are heading somewhere for whom they can provide help and assistance to.  They want men who can lead them on the path of excellence, growth and values.  They want a man who is so secure he can allow them to break glass ceilings in their profession, business and whatever endeavours they are passionate about.

If you are a man who has no handle on what life is and what you can do with yours, seeking a woman should be the last thing on your mind; especially a woman who is purpose driven and is heading to a specific direction.  You will get frustrated with her drive and end up frustrating her from pursuing her dreams for fear of being “over-shadowed” because you have no idea about what you should do with your own life.

CONCLUSION

Before you make a move on trying to get someone to marry you, ensure that you have your game packed with a sound pitch which should make every man or woman you desire gravitate towards you without hesitation.  Happy Hunting!